My lawnmower needs to learn some accountability.

ME: Ok, so just for the record, what is your full name and title?

"task" "force"

TASK FORCE: I'm a Task Force© manual lawnmower with 20-inch blades. My title would I guess be: Nick's Lawn Mower, but I'm not sure since I was never furnished with a written job description. 

ME: Ok. Easy. There's no need to get defensive. We're just talking, here. Just two dudes being friendly.

TASK FORCE: Sorry, it's just the title of the post makes it seem like you've got it in for me a little bit.

ME: Oh, you know. It's just to compel people to read further. Give it a little sizzle. What do you expect, I'm in advertising!

So would you way that you're a good lawnmower?

TASK FORCE: For the price, yeah. I mean I only cost $40, whereas even a bottom of the line gas-powered mower would set you back like $300. So, value-wise, yeah, I'd say I'm a pretty good mower. 

ME: Thanks. Now I'm going to show you a couple of pictures, and I want you tell me what you see. Here's picture one:


TASK FORCE: That's an area of your backyard. 

ME: Anything else?

TASK FORCE: No. I mean. It's just some grass. 

ME: Ok. I understand it's probably not the best picture ever, but I'm no Annie Liebowitz! Let's try this one. Same angle basically, just a little closer.


ME: What do you see?

TASK FORCE: I see some tufts of grass. 

ME: Well, I think "tufts" is a bit of an understatement, don't you? "Clumps," maybe, or "chlorophiliac monuments to mediocrity," or "things that if you had a Lawn Mower Father, and he saw these chlorophiliac monuments to mediocrity, would cause your Lawn Mower Father to throw his whiskey glass into the fireplace and scream, "I HAVE NO LAWN MOWER SON!"" 

All of those are more appropriate terms, I think. 


ME: Was I right to assume that you have no Lawn Mower Father?

TASK FORCE: I was assembled by a series of machines at a plant in New Jersey.

ME: Ok, orphan. So why exactly are there still huge tall clumps of grass all over the yard after you mow it?

TASK FORCE: Like I said before, I AM A MANUAL MOWER. I don't have an engine to help turn my bl...

ME: Oh sure, blame everything on the lack of a gas-burning engine. You're like the opposite of Al Gore.

TASK FORCE: It's simple sci...

ME: Greenpeace is going have a field day with that one. Now I'm going to have pontoon boats full of lunatics blocking my path every time I try to mow the lawn. Thanks.

TASK FORCE: I just think you need to temper your expectations a little bit.

ME: I should temper my expectation that a lawn mower should mow the lawn?

TASK FORCE: It's just that the grass gets pretty thick in some places.

ME: THE GRASS GETS PRETTY THICK. So what's the cutoff point exactly? You won't cut anything that's thicker than what, a cherub's kiss? A single dandelion seed floating on the breeze?

TASK FORCE: You know, if you mowed more often, the grass wouldn't get that thick, and I could cut it better.

ME: Yeah, maybe you're right. And maybe the car wash would work better if my car was already clean. Maybe my physics teacher's job would have been easier if taught myself a unified field theory.

TASK FORCE: You have a real talent for self-serving exaggeration, you know that?

ME: Hey, you want a glass of water?

TESK FORCE: No, I just finished a big thing of Aquafi-

ME: THEN IT'S THE PERFECT TIME FOR MORE WATER! You should always drink water when you're not thirsty! Just constantly drinking water preemptively, glass after glass, until your insides adopt their own ecosystem, supporting all manner of deep sea life, kelp and dungeoness crab, WE COULD OPEN OUR OWN AQUARIUM INSIDE OF YOU, we could sell little stuffed kelp in the gift shop, and charge extra to see the dolphin show, and we'd make so much money, all thanks to your foresight regarding hydration!

TASK FORCE: I knew it was a mistake to trust you. I'm leaving.

(TASK FORCE removes mic, exits studio)

ME: Hey, come back! We can name the aquarium after you if you want! The Task Force Manual Lawn Mower with Useless 20-inch Little Girl Blades Memorial Aquarium!


ME: Get your ass back here! Where are you going to go? Who's going to love you?



1 comment:

le bob said...

I'm very happy to see this blog is still alive.