NEVER GO IN THE OCEAN - VOLUME 2

THE GHOSTLY ECHOES OF LONG-DEAD MONSTERS OF THE MURDEROUS DEEP

The fact that you should not go in the ocean because it is scary is not a new fact. In fact, it is an old fact. 

A FACT OLDER THAN TIME ITSELF.

Back before blogs and J Crew V-neck merino sweaters (I can hardly imagine a world without those simple, elegant sweaters), Earth's oceans brimmed with horrible beasts: even bigger and horribler than the shit that lives down there today. Thank our vengeful God that these creatures are extinct, probably from looking in the mirror and scaring themselves to death.

I CAN PROMISE HOWEVER, that if I had lived in the Mesozoic Era, my blog-based campaign against going in the ocean would have been doubly intense. Like two-posts-a-day intense. I am committed to this cause.

THE EVIDENCE:

NEVER GO IN THE OCEAN - VOLUME 1

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Never Go In The Ocean will be a continuing series in which I present irrefutable evidence that all natural bodies of water are gross and scary and you should never go in them.

Heed this advice, traveler. 

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When futuremen dig through the ruins of our crumbled society, they will eventually unearth this blog (That's how blogs work, yes? They are tangible things, that in the future will be revered as priceless artifacts? Yes, I thought so.) and be amazed at the foresight in these pages. 

"Yes!" the futuremen will say. "These are the very creatures that drove us from Earth, which we have only recently returned to because all the horrible sea monsters finally died because all the humans left and the sea monsters had nothing to eat!"

"Oh, if only the people of the past had listened!" the futuremen will wail, and rend their futuregarments.

STAY OUT OF THE WATER.