Variations on a Theme: Inverted Idioms

ORIGINAL IDIOM:

Let sleeping dogs lie. 

INVERTED:

Never permit a conscious cat to stand. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And a few more. ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO CRACK THE CODE?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1.) I am feeling as wrong as rainlessness. 

2.) When one is mentally ill, one goes to the serious metropolis. 

3.) You don't know the ridges in your skull from a mountain range. 

4.) Hey buddy! Take a low 1/5 from me!

5.) Frantic feet are God's impediments. 

6.) You'll take my land under my living soul!

7.) I can't work today. I am as a hardy as a cat. 

8.) This taco pizza is the worst of neither world. 

9.) The smaller they are, the softer they stand.

10.) You aren't what you throw up. 

11.) How do I know? An enormous fish told me. 

12.) I can't dance because I have 1/2 of a right hand.

13.) I am slovenly dressed, with many appointments to keep. 

Shrewd Investments for The Post Global Warming Era

If there is one thing in the world the Steelworker's Promise loves doing, it is MAKING YOU RICH. Here at the Steelworker's Promise Internet-Based Salon of Increasingly and Ridiculously Infrequent Dumb Jokes and Longwinded Nonsense, your bottom line is our ONLY LINE.

So when you wake up next week and look out the salvaged wood-framed windows of your loft that used to be a printer's building and see the sad A-frame homes of the poor people who used to live in your neighborhood floating down your trendy art-district streets past the one-word named design stores and bottle shops, iPhone up your preferred broker and pull the trigger on these HOT STOCKS (literally [fart]):

Consolidated Stilt (CST)

Union of Himalayan Mountain-Based Seersucker Tailors (UHMBST)

The Pontoonary (PNY)

Thompson's Water Seal for People (TWSP)

Things Less Dense Than Water Store (TLDW)

Upside-Down Umbrellas, LLC (UDU)

Whichever Rich Eccentric is Financing the Production of Amphicars These Days (WREFPATD)

It's always Happy Sailing on the Profit Sea!

Here's Some Good Gardening Advice:

Thanks, Moondancer!

More Gardening Tips for the Modern Earth Goddess:

1) On the eve of the solstice, over a fire of birch twigs and juniper, cut off and burn a single dreadlock in honor of Resplendor, the Spirit of Resplendent Blossoming.

2) Use short strips of cloth, cut from a midwife's apron, to tie an amethyst to each of your spring bulbs. This will protect your bulbs from evil spirits that want to eat their tiny bulb souls.

3) If your plants become sick, treat them as you would your own sick child: sprinkle them with lilac-infused goat's milk while reciting your favorite Wellness Poem.

4) You don't need capitalist blood money to buy garden tools. You can fashion your own from geodes and hemp!

5) Fertilize your perennials with menses.

6) In late June, the seven Ovarian Moons will align harmoniously in the western sky, producing an "O'Keefian Flare." At midnight on this day, cover yourself in mud and loose leaves and howl into the night. Howl for Gaia's spirit, alive in everything. Howl for armpit hair, and the 1991 Jetta. Howl for the fairies, whose haunting, endless dance among the Gardens of Life brings vibrancy to the tulips, perfume to the rose. 

7) If you ever feel a doubt (creeping into your mind like a venture capitalist in the night) that fairies aren't real, that our lives are not guided by the whims of spirits, that we are just people, wandering through life alone and without a net to catch us, just rub your talisman three times and turn up the Bob Marley.

Variations on a Theme

THESIS:

Shooting at the walls of heartache,

BANG, BANG!

I am the warrior.

-Patty Smyth

CONSTRUCTION:

Shooting at the walls of (X),

BANG, BANG!

I am (Y).

VARIATIONS:

---

Shooting at the walls of extinction, 

BANG, BANG!

I am a panda bear.

---

Shooting at the walls of the building code, 

BANG, BANG!

I am a subcontractor.

---

Shooting at the walls of meteorological inaccuracy, 

BANG, BANG!

I am a Doppler.

---

Shooting at the walls of a lack of confidence, 

BANG, BANG!

I am a nice haircut.

---

Shooting at the walls of chocolate cake, 

BANG, BANG!

I am self-discipline.

---

Shooting at the walls of a rainstorm, 

BANG, BANG!

I am an anorak.

---

Shooting at the walls of ill-fitting menswear,

BANG, BANG!

I am a bespoke tailor.

---

Shooting at the walls of drab columns,

BANG, BANG!

I am a corinthian column.

---

Shooting at the walls of a hot day,

BANG, BANG!

I am some iced tea.

---

END LESSON.

**UPDATE**

---

Shooting at the walls of your mom's house,

BANG, BANG!

I am your mom's boyfriend.

---

**END UPDATE**

Thanks to Fart Director Chris Berry for helping to bring this wonderful idea to life.

A Free Lesson for Songwriters.

Make your lyrics more compelling:

"Jamie's got a doo-doo gun."

"You are a doo-doo superstar, that is what you are."

"Excuse me while I kiss the doo-doo sky."

Easy!