1.) Be a midget. Or dwarf, I guess. I think the important thing here is to be a tiny person who
people can see on the teevee and be all like "Oh God, so cute! He/she almost looks like a real person
and he/she navigates through this enormous world with such admirable tiny dignity!" Just be a
receptacle for pity and a foil for self-acceptance.
If you are a midget or dwarf, you basically have a 70% chance of getting a reality show on TLC.
The odds increase if you are employed, and the odds increase again if you have an unusual job
or a job that your stature makes especially difficult. Chimney sweep, firefighter, horse breaker.
But if you really want to be a special midget with a truly special reality show, find a job at which your
tiny legs and fingers give you an advantage: thimblesmith, doll house furniture tester, in-cake stripper
that pops out of cakes people consider too small to actually conceal a stripper. Very surprising!
2.) Go to the Fucking Moon. All the records on Earth have been broken and broken and broken again.
Unless you are willing to never cut your hair or fingernails from the day you are born, your name will never
appear in Guinness' book.
But you know what book is so not full of records that it doesn't even exist? The Guinness Book of MOON
Records. What has anyone ever done on the moon? Hit a golf ball? Map craters? Even the most untalented
person could go up there and be better than John Glenn and Neil Armstrong (in terms of hot-dog eating
and most blowjobs given in 24 [moon] hours). Moon records are plump, juicy and ripe for picking.
If you are not a midget or do not have access to the moon, just go on living your life and doing your
best to be happy in a world that's been willfully designed to make you feel downtrodden and unspecial.
Either way, you win! Yay!